I’m a Loser…

I’m a loser. I sponge off my husband and don’t ‘help financially’ by working a job. I’m lazy. I inconvenience others. I slow people down. It’s just anxiety. I’m not really sick. I’m faking it. I’m taking advantage of the system. I’m a bad parent. I don’t let my MIL use my bathroom in an emergency while going through chemo. It’s all MY fault my hubby couldn’t make his son’s wedding. I’m a liar. There’s nothing wrong with me, only mental health. I’m mental. I need a shrink. Somethings wrong with me. I’ve changed. I don’t take care of my kids. I neglect my children’s medical needs…

We have anger management but not for kids, they must be 18. 18, we don’t take your insurance. Self pay only.

Counseling and services with autism provider, the wait is currently 6 months out. Oh, you have Tricare? We only have 1 part time provider so the list is now well over a year out… after waiting over a month to get on that list.

We have EXACTLY what you need for your kid but it’s $8800 a month for the first three months then $7200 a month after that and the program is between 9 to 12 months long…. after the $2800 registration fee…

Oh, you have an urgent referral? Well, we triage all referrals and that doesn’t change the wait time much…

Where’s the website list with all the services needed listed in one place for easy access? Oh, you don’t have one for this state?

She has a WHAT in her spinal cord? Are you sure it’s benign, her backpain is pretty severe, in tears daily severe… No follow up MRI to see if there are any changes? I know google says (yes, google) that they can grow and lead to problems and neurological issues which she already has some signs of? Bye? That’s it? What’s causing the severe back pain, she’s just a child??

I have normal strength, it’s just with repetition and cold that it’s affected. You’ve run all the tests and there are no more? What about the CMAP and other test that actually test for the exact issue of repetition and cold paralysis? Wouldn’t that test prove what I’m saying I’m experiencing, I mean, that’s what it’s for and I haven’t had that one, not that I want it but it would show exactly what I’ve been talking about.. Oh, you have it but I don’t need it since my CK is low to low normal… My blood doesn’t show inflammation even when fully inflamed, I’m pretty weird when it comes to my blood tests… what? Bye? No test to prove what I’ve been talking about?? But.. I haven’t had that one and it would prove what I’m saying!! (door shuts).

No show. No show. No show… Don’t bother scheduling an appt with my kid till you can get your shit together. You have no idea what that does to an autistic child.

No show… I’m sorry. I know you were actually really looking forward to all his promises in the community and all that he shared… I know, our system sucks. I’m sorry it didn’t work out… again. (Where ARE you? Ghosted, BA in psych, only 2 in our state for BI services when we hired him).

This list could potentially be endless… It would blow your mind how deficient the system and lack of help is. Then add being disabled and needing help with the system on top of that and having no one to help navigate it. They see you for all of a few minutes then off to the next case. No one goes home thinking about you at night, nope, they’re not in your shoes so they don’t live or understand the issues that exists and the barriers to support.

FYI, I used to be the neighborhood mom. Most parents didn’t want all the neighborhood kids in their house so they came to ours. At least I knew where my kids were. I baked cookies, watched the kids, kept house, and had dinner on the table every night. We were once with a family gym membership where I found a joy in running. I was finally feeling in a healthy place after years of being ill off and on. I applied to law school. I paid for the LSAT and purchased all the books to study. I went from happy and functioning to ill, very disabled and in a wheelchair. Because I’m lazy. Just mental. I choose to be this way over the happy times with my family. Over active involvement and caretaking, a task I enjoyed. No, I rather sit stuck to my recliners day in and day out, staring at these 4 walls doing nothing while the dust grows, my muscles atrophy, the clutter piles up, our bellies rumble with hunger and the kids miss out on all the family things we used to do… I’m lazy. I sponge off my husband. Just don’t tell anyone about my 100% VA disability that covers half our income, you know, cause people don’t know about that since it’s not their business but apparently, our finances are since they’re spending time talking about it behind our backs then attacking me publicly on social media about it, like it’s their business in the first place… SMH.

Our world is a messed up place. There is a horrible shortage of help and services for people in need. There are way too many pompous judgmental people who rather point a finger than lift a finger. Too many people that thrive off drama rather than compassion and love and caring for others. Maybe I’m too sensitive for this world. Maybe I’m just exhausted and over it already. Maybe I just want to win the lottery, that will likely never happen, and live in peace and be able to afford hiring the real help we actually need because money can do that, insurance doesn’t. Our system doesn’t. But maybe I’m too lazy too even play…

No wonder the suicide rates are high, drug addiction is a thing, and people die in pain..

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2 thoughts on “I’m a Loser…

    1. I don’t think there really is anything you can do but thank you for asking. It’s just difficult being stuck in a toxic environment where people choose to gang up on a person for no fault of their own and then try to bring up the past to excuse others for their bad behaviors. I’ve had a relative not like the fact that I set a simple boundary agreed upon by my family as we all needed the boundary in place and instead of being respectful and accepting of it, instead she got spiteful and created a lie that she shared with her favorites who then got on social media to publicly attack me. And all over a lie, a lie she admitted to in a text to my husband who already knew that it was a lie since he was there and the one who had the discussion with her to begin with. Then to have that same person infect others by their constant negative talk about me which is like planting the seed in some ones mind that slowly influences their thoughts and feelings of another. When called out for it, they make excuses and turn it around on me instead of owning up to their mistakes and simply, making it right. They’ve all been cut off with the last one being cut off in other ways since I’m still needed but will no longer help but be there in an emergency cause that’s how I am at least. I used to simply put up with these behaviors over 22 years, constantly forgiving to keep the peace and seeking acceptance but it’s infected not only me but my kids and that’s where I draw the line. They’ve manipulated others and it’s so surprising to see others take the opinion and lies spoken as fact and jump on board instead of being an adult and approaching us with questions or concerns. To think some of them are psychologists, lol, of all people who should know better in life but apparently can’t get their own crap together if they can’t see through this basic psychological behavior, something I too studied in college and am aware of.
      To know people exists in life to seemingly devote their time gossiping of others, especially those who aren’t even involved in our lives and yet they find it ok to jump on board and make accusations and verbal abuse against another is mind boggling. I often wonder what their employers would think of them if they saw how they behave in the public spectrum towards others. Is this the kind of employee you want working for you? Or do I just shut the door and move on? I typically do the later but when the behavior is still going it certainly makes me want to do the former. I’m so tired of the abuse, the gaslighting, and judgement from people not walking in my shoes or even involved in my life yet they seemingly know me so well? They can judge my child and say hurtful things yet have their own child with the exact same behaviors and that’s ok but just not from mine. SMH.
      Then dealing with a broken medical system on top of that that hinders care. That refuses to do the only test available that would prove exactly the symptoms I’ve been complaining of. Why would they not want to run that test and confirm what I’ve been saying? How does that make sense? It would put to bed the issue. It’s hard enough getting into those places and the waits are outrageous but to finally get in and be denied the test due to normal CK levels which are not always abnormal in a few of the conditions we’d be ruling in or out so he’s seemingly ignorant on that fact.
      I just want to win the lottery, move somewhere far away and warm, and hire the real help that we need and just rest. I also found the PERFECT program for my son that offers absolutely everything he needs for what he’s dealing with and to find out it’s $8800/mo for the first 3 months then $7200/mo for the duration which is typically 9 to 12 months in total. Who can afford that? Why is the right care only available to the rich? This is the 2nd program I’ve found that would be a perfect fit that is cash only. There are too many barriers to care and it’s not right that our system is set up that way. If it could potentially help him to succeed, it needs to be an available option. It just makes life depressing going through all of this all at once and very limited help and resources.

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