I’m tired of dying every day and being uncomfortable in my own skin. Of watching the light fade from my children’s eyes as another mention of “not right now” whispers through their ears and the ensuing frustration and defeat that washes upon their faces… my kids need me now. My hubby needs me now. My mother needs me now. My family needs me now. Tomorrow might not get here and time flies, moments pass, needs go unfulfilled looking for outlets and something to fill the void from avenues best left discarded.
I remember those times. My children are there now and yet I’m here, I see, I know, but I’m not present and I see this being fulfilled while my body falls apart and my mind wants to spiral. To be so dependent on a stinking little pill to wash away the pain and fatigue yet such controversy on something so tiny that gives me life in a way few will understand. No high needed or received, just relief, blessed relief from the torture my body inflicts upon me. Some days, not near enough, leaving me so despondent, I rather wither away and free my family from the burden I feel I’ve become.
The negative thoughts and heavy weights weighing them down like a chain around their necks in a sinking ship lost at sea. To free them. To free myself. To put an end to the drain on this life and allow healing to begin and forward movement on their own journeys this life will bring. May they never be saddled with these illnesses that grip me so tightly, squeezing the life out of me. But it’s heritable. It’s the gift that never seems to end. One generation to the next. My burden, my cross to bear laid upon the shoulders of my tender children and the guilt that consumes me because of it. My fault.
tearydawn 
I am so sorry…. I relate to these ramblings only too well. Pleae know tht no matter what they all want and need you or they wouldn’t be there. I knw this becasue none of my family are there…. they don;t understand nor are they willing to. My ex partner left me for my ex best freind eventully, now he is on parnter number 3 in 8 years… the kids… they were turned against me as he told them it was all in ym head. I ended up in psycjiatric care, I lost everything and everyone…. for years I felt as you do, the guilt was so draining and depressing. I pray your family will stand by you, guilt is better than betrayal. I don’t write to you to make you feel bad, just write to tell you I understand you pain, for me things got worse, my fears of being abandoned became my truth….. I would never want this for you. Stayed blessed and forgive yourself, you and they didn’t choose this, it was the card you were dealt…. love yourself despite your difficulties, to to your your kids through their disappointments and no matter what hold on to every minute you have when you can be with them, even if it is hard to enjoy…. keep writing too, you express beautifully. Thank you for sharing your pain and for being an awareness raiser…. we all need you.
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Dianne, you must always remember that “reality shows” are not reality. Yes, they are scripted in the sense that there is an agenda that the producers follow religiously. That agenda is making money. They will push, steer and poke the character actors in many different directions…but they end goal is always to make the most amount of money off of advertisers who will only advertise during a show if the viewership is as large as possible.
Humans tend to pay attention when there is discord between people. Peace and harmony never attracts viewers. Why? Because when we are at peace, we become connected with our loved ones. Watching the fighting and lying, etc. on tv allows us to disconnect from anything serious and stressful (mostly relationships close to is like a partner or spouse). It also creates strong tendencies of aggression in those viewers.
https://www.swlondoner.co.uk/entertainment/06052021-research-shows-reality-tv-is-not-harmless-entertainment
Beware and be at peace!
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I haven’t watched reality TV in years. Once they changed it from somewhat scripted but allowing love to totally scripted and political, I quit watching. They did allow it to flow a lot more naturally back in the day but things changed and I’m not good with that change. There didn’t used to be all the anger and bickering, maybe a little but that wasn’t the focus. Now, it’s all about the bickering and drama and that taints people and rubs off. I want no part of that. I do agree it brings out tendencies in viewers. I’ve seen how gossip alone can be a seed that’s planted and with continued gossip it grows and changes people and alters memories, feelings, viewpoints, it’s a toxic beast that is ugly and wrong. I’ve cut off family members for their toxicity and gossip. I only want peace in my life. I have enough with my hands full as it is to allow others to cause me more harm. Life is hard and my focus is on my kids and getting them to independence and then I can rest and just exist if I’m still here by then.
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Happy New Year. May 2023 be the turn around for those that need it.
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