Hope is a precarious thing

Ever slipping from your grasp.

Mental Illness is not real… My theory

I’m not saying mental illness does not exist, but that it is a physiological process leading to symptoms that involve our mental health. We are new to the study of genes and what our genes tell us. How we express them, what is important, pathogenic, or completely benign. It’s an ever evolving process. But we don’t know them all, not even close.

Looking through my own DNA, there are multiple alleles of concern that can lead to a host of issues by one tiny tiny change in how my body processes exposures or makes a piece of me. That can then lead to differences in my make up that cause other genes to express that might not have otherwise. All of those little changes can lead to differences in my brain, both organic and inorganic. Both environmental and genetic.

For instance, say I have a mutation in the process that alters how I degrade nitrogen and instead causing me to overload on ammonia. The excess ammonia then alters my brain chemistry leading to symptoms that look like a mental health condition, anxiety, mood disorders, ect. In reality, rather than treat someone with an SSRI which adds more chemicals to the body and alters our chemistry, we fix the root of the problem. Maybe one day, Science will catch up and we’ll understand how all our genes work and be able to quickly scan through our data, find where our process has gone haywire, and then correct the problem, allowing us to function normally, once again. Make sense?

It’s sad, the stigma behind mental illness. It is so misunderstood. But remember when MS (Multiple Sclerosis) was hysteria? When Epilepsy was demon possession or psychosis? So many diseases blamed on mental health until one day, the Science caught up to it and a disease was discovered.  I absolutely believe, that one day, we’ll figure out anxiety, mood disorders, bipolar, ect. One day, we’ll discover the root problem as we begin to fix the overloads or underproduction of our own faulty system and discover ‘the mental health’ aspect was fixed in the process. One day, they’ll realize, it’s not all in our heads. It’s in our DNA.

Just my thoughts….

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Racism Sucks

I am white

so I have no voice

You are black

you have a choice

 

My views aren’t appreciated

They are not heard

When speaking to the masses

Of ‘blacks’ there’s no word

 

There are three camps

Whites blacks and ‘doesn’t care’

I chose the middle

I am aware

 

I see things different

Why can’t you see

It’s not about color

But of you and me

 

Your person your being

Who you are inside

Don’t listen to whites

Or the blacks that hide

 

They have an agenda

A deep seeded hate

Their blinded by anger

Will it ever abate?

 

The middle is growing

We’re tired of the fight

Between people of color

And those they call white

 

Judge others on merit

On their actions and heart

Not on lies or the pasts

We all deserve a new start

 

Hate is learned

It is not innate

Teach your children to love

Break free of the hate

 

Rise up together

Hold your neighbors hand

Say no to race

And take a stand

 

DM 11/26/14

 

 

That One Mistake

This was written back in 2003 before the medications they have available to help those who need it.  Written for a friend.

Life’s one big party
> There’s nothing that can’t be arranged
> Except for the fatal error made that night
> Your life’s now forever changed

> You wonder what I’m speaking of
> It certainly can’t happen to you
> For sex is a freedom of expression
> There’s nothing you can’t do
> But one mistake, one careless night
> can bring death to your door
> You’ve certainly denied the thought
> Your judgment has backed you before
> You never can tell, big or strong,
> healthy or sickly too
> That the person you lay down with
> Can change the life you knew
> One day you wake up, something’s changed
> You don’t feel quite the same
> You wonder what has happened
> in this life, you call a game
> So then you see a doctor
> and sit and wait for word
> And the call comes in;
> one, you wish you never heard
> So you sit and absorb the emotions
> that grasp a hold of your life
> Thoughts that you’ll never marry
> neither a husband nor a wife
> You’ll never retire or raise your kids
> A child that will never grow
> Your life’s come crashing down
> You received a devastating blow
> You wonder where you got it
> wonder who to blame
> But now blaming is unimportant
> Life’s not looked at the same
> You wonder where life will take you
> however short it may be
> All because of one mistake
> Now you suffer from HIV.
>
>
DM Oct. 2003

 

A National Disaster children lost

The pain is so unbearable

My heart shredded in my chest

To know that children died today

And must now be put to rest

 

You can never fully imagine

Those words you never want to hear

You’ll never hold your child again

It’s happened; your worst fear

 

Their innocence is shattered

The victims that remain

This pain has touched all of us

The tears like a torrential rain

 

The children’s light

Snuffed out to soon

The laughter fading

The outlook’s gloom

 

The gaping hole

The ache so deep

The senseless act

The nation’s weep

 

The answers unknown

The questions remain

To stop senseless tragedy

Making evil refrain

 

DM 1/28/13

A Dysfunctional Vet

My twisted mind…or is it

From a dysfunctional vet… 9/15/2016

 

I suffer fatigue

And achy pain

You blame my mind

I must be insane

 

Why the hell would

I want this crap

Try and sell that

To some other sap

 

I seek your help

You send me away

Off to the shrink

You’ll get no pay

 

It’s not service

Connected

Unless it’s your mind

That’s affected

 

They won’t admit

I took a hit

From that vaccine

Full of shit

 

Or sand box

Exposure

There was no

Disclosure

 

Just a lifetime

of ill health

No opportunity

For wealth

 

Who wants to

Hire the chick

Who’s always

Sick.

 

I’m sorry we’re all suffering but I’m glad I’m not alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DM 9/15/16

My Mistake (A toilet disaster with Poo-pourri)

My Mistake

When you’re enjoying the comforts of the loo

You have some private business to doo

If you’re smart and use some poo-pourri

Don’t make a mistake, like little poor me.

 

Refrain from spraying the toilet seat

As that mist packs some powerful heat

So watch out for that liquid fire

That was certainly not my desire

 

In case an accidental spill

Water will cause significant ill will

Douse that behind with some oil

That will rid you of your nasty toil

 

In the future spray in the bowl

And not the seat, an awful toll

 

DM 12/23/2016

It’s all In Head…too real

I scream with rage

Deep within

You twist my words

You think you’ll win?

 

You make me question

That’s it’s all in my head

Would you rather

That I end up dead?

 

You think I like this

Daily pain?

You rather I feel

I’m going insane?

 

What do I want?

I want to dance

I want to act with reckless abandon

Without worrying about having to pay for it later

 

I want to chase my kids again.

I want to play and go out without having to

Chase a pain pill first.

I want to live in the moment and not have to

Plan every little thing.

I want my kids to be able to know that

I can pick them up whenever they need

I want to volunteer at my daughter’s school

I don’t want to have anxiety over a concert five months in advance.

Where will I park?  What if it’s a long walk?  Will the noise be too overwhelming?

Will I need a pain pill?  How will I drive home if I do?

Will I be able to sway to the music and get into the beat.

Without grabbing my back flaring in pain?

Will I have to sit the whole time cause it hurts to stand?

 

I want to run again.

 

DM 9/15/16

A UC Parody of the Song Human… (Not for the sensitive types)

I can hold my breath

Cause It will smell real bad

I can’t hold it in for days

Though that’s what I want

Wish it were number one

I can fake a smile

As I run right out the door

I can squeeze don’t slip a fart

It’s too much to ask

But I’ll give it all I am

 

I can do it

I can do it

I think I blew it

 

But I’m only Human

And I bleed when it comes down

I’m only human

And I run and it slips down

The pain in my gut, afraid to fart

It builds up and then I fall apart

I’m only human

 

I can’t turn if off

Be a poop machine

I can’t hold the weight of it

If that’s what you need

It’s my everything

 

I can’t do it

I can’t do it

I’ll won’t get through it

 

But I’m only human

And I bleed when it comes out

I’m only human

And I run when it slips down

The pain the gut, I’ve got to fart

It builds up and I fall apart

I’m only human

 

I’m only human

I’m only human

Just barely human

 

I can take so much

Until I’ve had enough

 

Cause I’m only human

I bleed when it comes out

I’m only human

I run when it slips down

The pain in my gut, I’ve got to fart

It builds up and then I fall apart

I’m barely human

 

DM 3/12/15 UC stands for Ulcerative Colitis. Much like Crohns, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Thankfully, smoking cigarettes keep me in remission. Bizarre, isn’t it?

Hidden

10/28/2014 Dianne MacKay

 

It’s those with type A personalities, the ones who strive for perfection, the ones who hold everything in, that you should worry about.  Not in the sense of being harmful to others, but to themselves.  They hold it in cause if anyone sees them cracking then they lose their pride, their self-image, their self.  They’re the strong ones.  They have been relied upon so much that to stop now spins everything into chaos.  It’s not always realized how much they hold the pieces together both in themselves and with all the lives connected around them.  It’s too late to check themselves out, without fracturing everything so neatly held together.  Narcissistic?  Nope.  Just overly honest.

 

 

She had No Name…..

I was born a sensitive.  In time that was to my detriment.  Hold it in, don’t let them see you affected.  Be strong.  Be tough.  Instead, rather than show it to the world on their sleeves, it instead stays hidden, buried, deep, with a smile on my face.  No longer taking pleasure in what was once my guilty pleasure.  A world apart, my escape…no longer there to sweep me away and allow me to dream…  So I lie? No, I smile and don’t look you in the eye.  I’m fine.

 

Are there Angels out there watching over me?  Do they feel my pain?  Do they see me sinking further and further into despair crying out for sanctuary?  Do they hear my cry?  The physical pain is unbearable at times, yet I press on.  Life goes on right?

 

Where are you?  You see me, but you don’t… You hear me, but you don’t…  You’re here, but you’re really not.  Do you see the invisible tears silently falling down my cheeks??  Do you feel the pain rolling off of me so thick it chokes me?  Do you not feel the difference?  Where are you?  Who are you?

 

The pressure comes at me from every angle.  Pressing on every nerve ending and sending currents of electricity through my mind, exploding into fragmented shards of frustration, leaving me in an exhausted state of morose melancholy.

 

The downward spiral clutching at my aching heart pulling me in all directions.  The dizziness spinning me in circles, not sure where to rest my feet. My body falling apart to the mental anguish tearing me inside out.  Which will break first?  Does it matter in the end?    The fragile pieces of me holding to that one spark that refuses to extinguish.  The music of my soul clinging to the desperately whimsical thread of existence still lingering and burning within.  Crushing, gut wrenching solitude of depression as the walls close down upon me suffocating me into a corner of life where wild flailing of mental anguish seeks to rear its panicked head, pulling me under and drowning me in the depths of it.

 

Oh the tower of my existence, alone and isolated.  No one to catch me when I fall.   No one to take charge as the place was already filled long ago, used up and now useless to anyone else.  A place left for those to stumble in the dark and look for that spark of flame just out of reach.  Sing to myself, sing to my soul.  Pull the darkness down and me out of its tangled clutches.   Burn the pain. Burn it up.  Take it away in a wisp of smoke blown into dust in the wind.