Chronic Fatigue SYNDROME

Just a little venting:  To those with True CFS.  It is extremely difficult to say, I am disabled.  I don’t like to use to those words that speak such truth and honesty.  I’ve discovered recently, that yes, I have to admit that.  I’m the girl that jumps in with the rest of them and get’s stuff done.  I’m a go getter, type A, superwomen who can rearrange my house all on my own and shock my hubby when he comes home.  I can get out there and shovel snow with the guys and help other’s who can’t.  I can carry 16 shopping bags in one trip, cause I don’t want to make two. I can chase my kids around the house and play tag and usually win.  They hate that.  The last 2 years has seen my life fall apart little by little.  Not in what goes on around me but in my body.  My strength is sapped, my muscles are weak, my mind is forgetful.  I HATE IT!!  After shoveling just a little snow the last week, I finally realized I just can’t.  I paid for three days.  Three days of body aching bone chilling fatigue and pain which no pain pill would touch. I felt like death.  I had an epiphany. I’m not that girl anymore.  I’m delegated to the ‘girly wimpy girl’ who needs a man to help her.  That was from a memory in the AF when my supervisor had her jealous eye on me and tried to call me what I wasn’t. The one poking stick that lit my fuse and sent me off.  I’m no girly girl, I’m no wimp, and I certainly don’t need anyone to help me.  I remember getting sent home from an exercise due to that explosion.  I didn’t take shit especially from a jealous woman who couldn’t stand a girl the guy’s thought pretty.  Now I am that girl.  Maybe that’s why her words have replayed in my mind recently.  I hate what I have become by no choice of my own.  Shoveling that snow that day taught me a valuable lesson.  I CAN’T do it.  After finally recovering, yesterday was a great day.  I felt good finally and decided to do some stretching since I can’t exercise.  And here I sit, in pain, waiting on my second pain pill to kick in and dull this feeling.  How can I not even stretch??  I overdid it AGAIN.  It is very humbling to admit weakness, the one thing I despise.  And now we have more snow coming and the house needs to be cleaned and groceries need to be picked up.  I am weak in body but strong in mind, though I’m crumbling.  I’ve become that girl.

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