Our Cross to Bear

I never understood how a person can judge another based on the color of her skin, to devalue her, to think she is beneath the worth of another human being.  How can anyone think skin color makes up a person’s essence? Yet they have no problem removing her clothing and devouring her like an animal. Under paid, under appreciated, judged, looked down on, blamed, ignored, That is her cross to bear.

I never understood how a woman can hate another due to her looks.  How can someone make another’s life so difficult, exerting control, insults, gossip, hate, just because she perceives the other to be prettier than her. Woman in higher positions making life extremely difficult over those beneath her, taking away her rights, her joy, her laughter, all in the name of jealousy and insecurity.  That is her cross to bear.

I never understood how a man could put a woman in a position as a symbol of sex and beauty, but deny the brains between her ears, to hire someone for her looks and not her worth or value in the position being given.  To completely ignore someone more competent, educated and capable just because she doesn’t measure up to the idea of what they think is beautiful to look at.  That is her cross to bear.

Our society teaches young girls that skinny is normal and a normal figure is plus size, giving the idea that any weight is unhealthy or fat or looked down upon.  Yet study after study shows that men prefer their women with meat on their bones and curves in the right places, but the media continues to torture younger girls with what is beautiful and accepted, flaws not allowed.  That is her cross to bear.

How can a movement rise up so quickly seeking not equality but to spread a message of hate, bashing men for being men, not including those who are pigs and think they are God’s gift to women, but real men, all men lumped into a category and hated, bashed, blamed and judged, just for being a man.  That is his cross to bear.

Society is changing and I’m not sure I like the direction in which it is going.  The hypocrisy is real.  The idea’s are flawed, most on a pendulum that swings in either direction but not looking for that middle ground. No coming together and applauding those who seek such equality on that middle ground that allows equal pay for equal duty, respect being paid to those based on their worth, their character, and their ideas. Why do we swing from one side or the other and not look for fairness and equal ground without swinging to either extreme?  Why do we hold on to such biases and prejudice and allow those stings and crosses to push us to those extremes rather than holding true to your character and setting an example by hold onto that middle ground, knowing that the fight should remain there and not budge from it.

When you bash men and call them dirty pigs, you bash all men, lumping them into the same stereo type that you seek to not to be judged by. When you blame the white person for white privilege, you put all white people into a category as if they all feel that way. Yes, there is privilege, there always has been and it’s not all based on color, or looks, but rather money, and power, the root of all evil, corrupting the ideas and equality of everyone.  The real reason of the divide.  Distract and conquer, keep them dumb and fighting against each other over half truths and lies.  Plant ideas of discord, sexism, racism, but ignore the real issue, money and power corrupts.

If you take two white men who committed the same crime, one rich one poor, the poor will have the same or similar outcome as a man of color who committed the same.  But that is not put out there and seen, it is only compared based on color to keep the minds busy with hate and judgement.  Yes, men of color do get treated unfairly, but I guarantee you, if he had money, money talks and he would have the same ability to pay his way out of a situation that the white man could, if he has the money, knowing the right people, the ability to manipulate and rub the right shoulders. Money corrupts. The real root of the problem.

Keep them dumb, keep them fighting against themselves while distracting the masses from the real issue in our world.  We are owned by few.  We are all slaves to the rich and powerful. We are all experimented on and ignored and misguided by the few, the rich, and the powerful. That is OUR cross to bear.

We must come together as a whole, a unified group, where there is neither color nor sex, beauty, nor ugliness, but a group of strong who hold the same values and minds, based on their character alone. We must hold up that cross and create this peace together rather than fight against each other. We must hold the hand of the poor, the down trodden, the elderly, the orphan, and support each other in our endeavors as we walk down the road of life, guiding others and seeking peace with each other and THEN we can succeed and conquer. Then we can remove the hate, the stereotypes, the anger, the injustices.  We will stand up for each other in equal treatment with love and strength on our sides. We must hold the cross together and rid the bashing of groups as a whole but judge each person alone and on his or her character.

We must call out to stop the violence and to spread a message of peace and love where people will pay attention and wake up to the truths rather than incite and spread hate which waters the message and keeps the real justice from taking hold.  We must accept that we will not all share the same views and perceptions and know that it is ok to do so, but in love and a peaceful way accepting others differences knowing we each are allowed to see things differently but not bash another for doing so.  We must end the anger and reach out and help one another, guiding each other with love and acceptance of our differences, even if we disagree.  The old saying, kill them with kindness, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar holds much truth.

Peace to all.  Reach out and carry the cross together because we all have cross to bear.



Invisible Illness…

The pain is there, inflammation too, but doctor’s are clueless, what should I do?

I have an invisible illness that has taken hold, slowly crippling my way of life. I had my dreams ahead of me, a future to look forward to.  I was in the gym getting myself in shape, discovering that I had a love for running. I was studying for the LSAT, getting ready to start a new journey, one that I had been looking forward to for many years. Master’s degree down and Law school in my future, perfect for my type A all in type of personality. I’m no wimp.  I like to get my hands dirty. In fact, I’m a bit of a micro-manager.  I rather do things myself, I have high standards, no one will do it as well as I could.  But all that has changed. I’m not who I am anymore. I have an invisible illness.

Probably one of the most difficult things with an invisible illness is not what I suffer with daily, but the doubts in my doctors eyes, the suspicion, the questions. How do you prove what you feel when pain can not be measured? When holding up your phone in bed causes your arms to throb, cleaning causes your body to flare up in pain, weighed down by invisible weights pulling you towards the floor. Just walking up the stairs with those heavy weights is enough to make me pause and rest, draw in my breath, and gather my strength.  Noises smothering you till you just want to crawl in a quiet dark hole and let your mind be at peace. Movements overwhelming, filling your vision till you just want to shut everything out and rest.

I’m hypersensitive. I feel every ache in my body, my bladder only slightly filled yet the sensation is every present, a tiny gas bubble searing it’s way in my insides, my heart beating against my breast, a tiny hair irritating my cheek, the way my breast squish against my bra, the artery pulsating in my stomach, my dry eyes, painful joints, aching muscles, horrific stomach pains day in and day out. I feel everything. Surrounded by a sea of sensations waiting for my next escape. The drugs dull the pain, the sensations, the heavy fatigue, pushed at bay for a few hours relief until the effects wear thin and the feelings return.

I have an invisible illness, one shared by many but never the less, ignored and pushed aside, treated as though it is a disease of the mind and not physical, physiological or neurological in nature as the symptoms suggest. Remember when epilepsy was a mental illness, locked up in an institution because doctors didn’t know how to handle what they couldn’t measure?  History repeats itself.  Rather than telling the patient that technology has not caught up with the process, they blame them instead for PTSD, anxiety, somatization, and depression. Anxiety may be my cross to bear, but logic rules my mind. Can they not handle defeat? Do they not know that they are not infallible, not all knowing and all mighty?

One day they will look back and know.  They failed us.  They denied us, ignored us, and left us to rot. They had no answers, but they will…one day.


Please share, comment, or like on this post.  Most of my posts are just for myself as writing helps with my frustrations, but I think my story represents a large number of people in this world.  Even a quick comment to say hello!  I just want to see if this post is being seen, if you can relate.



Chronic Fatigue SYNDROME

Just a little venting:  To those with True CFS.  It is extremely difficult to say, I am disabled.  I don’t like to use to those words that speak such truth and honesty.  I’ve discovered recently, that yes, I have to admit that.  I’m the girl that jumps in with the rest of them and get’s stuff done.  I’m a go getter, type A, superwomen who can rearrange my house all on my own and shock my hubby when he comes home.  I can get out there and shovel snow with the guys and help other’s who can’t.  I can carry 16 shopping bags in one trip, cause I don’t want to make two. I can chase my kids around the house and play tag and usually win.  They hate that.  The last 2 years has seen my life fall apart little by little.  Not in what goes on around me but in my body.  My strength is sapped, my muscles are weak, my mind is forgetful.  I HATE IT!!  After shoveling just a little snow the last week, I finally realized I just can’t.  I paid for three days.  Three days of body aching bone chilling fatigue and pain which no pain pill would touch. I felt like death.  I had an epiphany. I’m not that girl anymore.  I’m delegated to the ‘girly wimpy girl’ who needs a man to help her.  That was from a memory in the AF when my supervisor had her jealous eye on me and tried to call me what I wasn’t. The one poking stick that lit my fuse and sent me off.  I’m no girly girl, I’m no wimp, and I certainly don’t need anyone to help me.  I remember getting sent home from an exercise due to that explosion.  I didn’t take shit especially from a jealous woman who couldn’t stand a girl the guy’s thought pretty.  Now I am that girl.  Maybe that’s why her words have replayed in my mind recently.  I hate what I have become by no choice of my own.  Shoveling that snow that day taught me a valuable lesson.  I CAN’T do it.  After finally recovering, yesterday was a great day.  I felt good finally and decided to do some stretching since I can’t exercise.  And here I sit, in pain, waiting on my second pain pill to kick in and dull this feeling.  How can I not even stretch??  I overdid it AGAIN.  It is very humbling to admit weakness, the one thing I despise.  And now we have more snow coming and the house needs to be cleaned and groceries need to be picked up.  I am weak in body but strong in mind, though I’m crumbling.  I’ve become that girl.